Senator Alan Kooi Simpson Steps in a Cow Pie

Former Republican Sen. Alan Simpson recently stated that Social Security is becoming “a cow with 310 million tits.” I’m a vegetarian, but even I know that cows don’t have tits, they have teats. Thus begins the list of incorrect and nasty misstatements that have poured out of the mouth of Alan Kooi Simpson lately.

(Hey, is “Kooi” an American name? Has anybody unearthed the former senator’s birth certificate?)

Simpson, who is turning 80, seems to have it in for older Americans, especially women. Let’s look at some of the cowpies he has stepped in.

As co-chair of President Obama’s Deficit Reduction Commission, he’s very interested in Social Security–particularly in cutting it down to a little bitty piggy bank with chump change to be doled out to older Americans. He calls them “lesser people.” Does he really mean to sound that way?

Gail Collins of The New York Times reminds us that Simpson is “impatient with people who want to preserve current Social Security benefits.” This must be why, as she points out, he has called the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) “greedy geezers.” These people have the audacity to want the money they paid into the system to come back to them now that they are retired.

Simpson cannot stop spitting invective at people who are trying to prevent cuts to Social Security. In a recent letter he sent out to Merton and Joan Bernstein–seniors concerned with cuts in Social Security–he wrote, “I was quite amused to see your latest remarkable spew of drivel about Social Security.” I imagine the Bernsteins were not so amused. They are academics who have studied the system for years and probably don’t like their opinions being referred to as drivel. They might even have winced at Simpson’s suggestion that they look at the presentation by the actuary of the Social Security Administration, “tack it on the wall and throw darts at it … at least know that “out there” are some live human beings who are trying to stabilize this remarkable system …” As if we all don’t know exactly what is out there.

In another nasty letter sent to the head of OWL, the Older Women’s League, Simpson asserted support for Social Security while still insulting “people like you [who] babble into the vapors about ‘disgusting attempts at ageism and sexism’ and all the rest of that crap …” The accusations of ageism and sexism leveled at him came from his constant reference to OWL members as Pink Panthers. Ashley Carson, the organization’s president, objected to this characterization in a Huffington Post article, and when Simpson got wind of it he heaped additional insults on the organization, which supports and fights for older women.

Many people are calling for Simpson to resign from the commission, and for President Obama to facilitate his departure. Let’s hope that the former senator will indeed depart, perhaps to spend more time counting cow teats. At least get one fact straight, Alan. I’m just saying.

Photo of cow from Flickr user law_keven under Creative Commons 2.0.


  1. Nancy Mikelsons says:

    Ah, Ms. Rubin,pity the poor bovine that Mr. Simpson has invented! Hats off to you once again for collecting the facts and data about older women's organizations. And think how many older women don't belong to these groups, of course it isn't Mr. Simplson's number 310, that relates only to older people in our society, in fact his number is closer to the overall population of the U.S. But what does he care? I would like to urge readers of MS to call the White House hot line and leave messages for the President that Mr. Simpson needs to be dismissed. Simpson is not what one calls a 'people person' he is a 'money man' and the money had best be for himself and his buddies and not the American people. Thanks for addressing this corner of the world of Seniors!

  2. Eric Watson says:

    One wonders where this man’s anger comes from, maybe a new self hating pathos is developing before our eyes.

  3. Debra Bernstein says:

    Presumably this cow is giving a raspberry to former Sen. Simpleton…oops, I mean Simpson. What on earth has happened to intelligent discourse–or even common sense–in this country? We've run through every possible safety net, so let's just throw the old folks (or should I say "lesser people"?) out on the street.

    Hey, wait a minute! What's that going to cost us?

  4. I just love Susan Rubin's point of view and the humor she bring to this blog. bravo!

    Jason Stuart

  5. Cows, tits, and teats lead the way with this right-on post from Susan Rubin. What I know about Simpson is that he is the entitled son of a wealthy Wyoming landowner and politician who wouldn't know a cow OR a social security benefit if it stepped on his foot. Also a buddy of Dr. Strangelove… I mean Dick Cheney, another Wyoming wise guy.

    BTW: Does anyone remember Simpson's snide, leering innuendo level at Ms Anita Hill during the 1989 Clarence Thomas hearings? This guy's been getting away with this crap for ever.

  6. But Susan, he's such a nice guy. And so intelligent and thoughtful and concerned – oh, wait! I must be thinking of someone else. What I don't understand is how this guy has survived for so many years. Why would anyone listen to HIS drivel?

  7. Kathleen Parry says:

    “Hey Alan, let’s get a few things straight!!!!!


    1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole (tit) for FIFTY YEARS.

    2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63).

    3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would make Bernie Madoff proud.

    4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and “your ilk” pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your “shill commission” are proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN.

    5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now “you morons” propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because “you idiots” mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal our money from Medicare to pay the bills.

    6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you “incompetent bastards” spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt.

    To add insult to injury, you label us “greedy” for calling “bullshit” to your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU:

    1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?

    2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?

    3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

    4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

    It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators called Congress who are the “greedy” ones. It is you and your fellow nutcase thieves who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes and your job and retirement security at our expense, you lunk-headed leech.

    That’s right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic, political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.

    And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son-of-a-bitch. NO, I did not stutter.

    If you like the way things are in America delete this.

    If you agree with what a Montana citizen Patty Myers says, please PASS IT ON!!!!

    P.S. And stop calling Social Security benefits “entitlements”.


    I have been paying in to the SS system for 45 years. It’s my money; give it back to me the way the system was designed and stop patting yourself on the back like you are being generous to be dolling out these monthly checks.

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