“It’s not you. You’re not an isolated case. It’s systematic and it’s called patriarchy,” said the radical 60-something woman at the front of the room with the “War is not good for children and other living creatures” medallion swinging from her neck. She wore a turtleneck encased in a neat blazer and put one leg up on the seat of the chair for leverage as she lectured with more gusto, authority and confidence than anyone I had ever encountered.
After wandering around fairly aimlessly for over a year, running away and living in Maui for a period of that time, I had landed in Sociology 22: Sociology of Women in the fall of 1994 at Los Angeles Valley College. I didn’t know what Sociology was or what it might have to say about women, but it sparked my curiosity. “I’m a woman,” I thought and, “this should be more interesting than meeting my general requirements for a major I’m not too committed to.”
I was raised in a supportive home, both my grandmothers and my mother were not conventional women by any stretch, and my grandfather and father loved these strong women and encouraged me to develop myself fully. I was encouraged to paint, surf, build forts and play with dolls. Some might conclude that I had an advantage in a family that did not enforce suffocating gender roles.
And, to an extent, I did. But the love and support in my home wasn’t forceful enough to keep sexism and patriarchy at bay. Like a specter, patriarchy and it’s supporting ideology, sexism, crept into my life, my experience and my being.
By the time I entered Sociology 22, I had battled an ongoing eating disorder, been in a mentally and physically abusive relationship on and off for more than six years, been raped, dealt with an unplanned pregnancy and felt that I wasn’t smart enough to go to college despite a solid education. I was depressed, felt like a failure, felt without direction and, generally speaking, couldn’t imagine my self-esteem could dip any lower .
It’s not you. You’re not an isolated case. It’s systematic and it’s called patriarchy.
Learning about patriarchy, sexism, internalized oppression and the intersectionality of gender, race and class shook me to the core–and shook me out of my stupor. It allowed me to slough off the feeling of individual blame and guilt I carried. I felt as if someone had ripped away the “veil of illusion” that prohibited me from connecting my life to the lives of other women, and to the larger system of patriarchy.
Things that I had suspected all along but didn’t have language for were revealed, and the puzzle pieces of my life snapped into place. Click! I was awake. I was pissed and I was galvanized into action with a ferocity and intensity that trumped anything I had ever known. That smart, sassy and seriously fierce lady professor–Pat Allen, who became a life-long mentor–brought feminism to me, and both she and feminism gave me new life and a grander purpose.
Photo of marble head of veiled woman by Flickr user clairity, under license from Creative Commons 2.0.
This post is a part of a week-long blog carnival in honor of Feminist Coming Out Day.
This article really resonated with me on many levels. As a high school student, I had very supportive parents, a good education, and a good head on my shoulders, but I still felt so emotionally and mentally inferior that I wasn’t even sure about going to college. My self-esteem was so low, and throughout this whole time, I blamed myself for my problems and feelings of inferiority. With age, I began to see that patriarchy was everpresent, and I began to recognize the subtle influences through media and through my everday life. My poor self-esteem was encouraged by a male-dominated system that didn’t want me to speak up or value my experiences, and remain entrenched in my weakness in order to dominate and control my desires.
In recognizing patriarchy, I have begun to value myself and the work I do, and I now strive for so much. Before, I would look nice for boys or try to appeal to them, but now they are an afterthought in my search for self-love and self-reliance. Rather than shaming women for their personal choices, I uphold them for their courage and work with them to create a better world for all women. I have learned so much, and I want to continue to expand my knowledge on feminism and continue to improve my self-esteem. This is a journey that will take time and so much effort, but I’m very happy to do it.
I completely agree with this article as to how our society is constructed in which patriarchy is dominant. As your parents encouraged you to play with gender role toys it has become kind of impetuous to give little girls barbie dolls and little boys action figures. If we did the opposite we would be judged and shunned upon. Who is to blame for all this? The media. They are the ones who tell people whats in fashion and what girls should look like and etc. in addition, they are to blame for this patriarchy that we have as i’m guessing the male owners do not want to show what feminism really is all about.
The “veil of illusion” which stands to represent the state of unwanted ignorance, or at times the denial of oppression, casts a cloud over the eyes of those who without it would stand up in rage. This rage can be attributed to the egregious claims made against women and men who push for equity across genders. Recognizing an issue inherent in our culture and confronting the issue are two separate things entirely. However, in the case of this article, when one has embraced the fact that there are those who willing throw a “veil” over our faces in order to hide the fact that there are social injustices occurring in a system which is supposedly the poster child for equality, then the individual can take action. They can take action for they understand that these injustices that are happening to them are not isolated incidents, as these injustices occur everywhere that the patriarchal social system reaches. This influence creeps into every crevasse of society, which ultimately undermines and hampers the effectiveness of this change as an entire movement. However, as evident in this article, individuals can make the necessary steps in order to change their outlook on this hypocritical society and effect change within.
Patriarchy, as I am learning isn’t a joke. I can relate in the sense that as a woman anything we encounter becomes all about “you” (we isolate, and single ourselves) not taking into consideration that as a “majority” we are being effected in the same way without revel. I too was raised in a warm home with loads of encouragement from male and female figures. Even with all the pre-programing it doesn’t stop the nation’s ideology on socialization. I believe it happens to all of us, quietly, even without knowing that we are starting to not only learn the expectations of our culture, but we are understanding and ultimately fallowing the social expectations. This keeps the vicious circle of patriarchy alive through women’s own behaviors and reactions through media and propaganda. Women have come to great lengths to help strengthen equality and end patriarchy, but it is my personal opinion that we cannot move forward as a majority if we keep patriarchy alive by practicing and excepting social ills.
The experience described in this post is simular to my current feelings taking this course. Although I have not been through any of the experiences described, I have noticed the way many people in society admire men/boys much more than women/girls. A lot of times when people are pregnant with a boy they receive a lot more help and support from family members and others, but when they are pregnant with a girl it is nothing special. The only support I ever found for this was that men carry on their last name, so if a couple only has girls the number of members with that last name will decrease. I know that there are other reason and I feel that patriarchy is the reason for this. I find it a bit upsetting that women themselves praise other women when they know the other is having a boy. I always pray for people to have healthy children. I have never been in a situation where I said “I hope she has a boy or girl.” I am glad that I am finally understanding patriarchy and why people in our society act the way they do.
This article was very emotional for me due to the fact that I grew up with parents who came from Iran. They know very little about women’s rights and raised me to become a house mom and have children. Patriarchy was not such a big deal in my family because going out with boys or men was not really allowed to unless it was for marriage. I finally got to learn more and understand more when I ended up going to college and decided to explore this area.
It is great to grow up in a home where gender role is not an issue, I was born in that kind of a home.
As I get older I start to see how women are seen as a minority.
Men get all the praise in the science field and as a female trying to become a surgeon I feel I have a
disadvantage in the field.
Now that I have been taking a women’s studies class I have realized that when I reach my dream career,
I won’t get paid the same as a man.
Hopefully by the time I am done with all my school that has change.
I hope when I take more classes that empower women I will be let free of a shame we women feel.
Now, after becoming familiar with the system of patriarchy in which we live, I realized it was not just myself who had feelings and my questions of our system. At the age of 3 I was put into ballet, which I loved, but at the age of 6 I quit because it was “girly” and everything girly, to me, equated to stupid. I wanted to wear boy’s clothes, play sports, and be tough. At first, I embraced the label tomboy. However, I realize now that it is not that I genuinely was a tomboy, because I did enjoy ballet and other “girly” activities. It is because I wanted to be powerful. Girls were seen as weak, and all activities gendered for girls were thus weak and unimportant. I wanted to be of value, and being of value meant being masculine. I have always questioned my very traditional, patriarchal family, and had felt like the odd one out because of it. However, now I realize it is not just myself, and there are others who think exactly as I do because it is systematic. Exposing patriarchy with feminism is so important for young women as well as men, for them to realize that their internal feelings and experiences are not individual, but patriarchy.
I can really relate to this article especially the part about low self esteem and having an eating disorder. I have so many beautiful cousins and sisters that I always compare myself to them. Since I am one of the youngest out of my cousins, I feel as if I need to be as good as them and be as pretty and skinny as them. Truth is, I don’t consider myself “skinny” I just see myself as normal. However since people sondier me as skinny, I feel as if I need to be that way and keep losing weight in order to be like that. Not only do I feel like I need to be skinny I feel as if I need a good job and be as smart as my cousins and this whole thing just messes with my h head and leaves me stressed and depressed.
I think it’s really incredible how powerful the realization and recognition of patriarchy is for women. The author makes it clear how liberating knowing that the problem is not within, but instead lies in the society we live in. Its clear that the blame, guilt, and shame are alleviated thanks to that one class. It just goes to show how much a difference information and knowledge can have on an individual’s life. I’m just imagining how different the author’s life would have been if she had not taken that Soc 22 class and never met that professor. Unfortunately there are thousands of women who don’t take Soc 22 and aren’t able to be taught that the blame does not fall on them. Hopefully websites like msmagazine will be able to get more publicity and reach more women.
To start things off, I find it very disturbing how society has predetermined what suits a man and what suits a woman. Gender roles should not exist; men should be able to play with dolls and women should be able to play with toy cars. Psychologists believe that the toddler years are detrimental and that a child develops a self-image when they are very young based on their surroundings. Although the writer grew up in a supportive home, the outside patriarchal world intervened into the writer’s life. As we see later, the writer suffers from this and battles an ongoing eat disorder, a mentally and physically abusive relationship, and other such life misfortunes. I believe that if gender roles were not to exist and if every human being was able to grow up in a less patriarchal and more natural way, problems of such won’t occur.