The Silence Behind Rape and Sexual Assault: A Response to Victim Shaming

Most rape and sexual assault cases go unreported largely due to three factors: shame, guilt and fear. I am saddened that we are constantly asked to explain and defend ourselves, but hopefully the discussion will lead to a more enlightened outlook on what actually mutes sexual assault. The latest surge of victim shaming against Bill Cosby’s accusers compels me to shed some light on why I remained silent about being assaulted and how victim shaming perpetuates this silence.

I was 18 years old at a party hosted by the UC Berkeley rowing team. I drank some wine poured by one of the men and started throwing up shortly after. Two men assured my friend that I could sleep there and they would take care of me. I woke up the next morning in my underwear, having little recollection of what transpired. I grabbed my clothes and snuck out the door back to my friend’s house. Years later, as I learned about the effects of date rape drugs (vomiting, automatic behavior, dream-like states), I realized that I had been drugged.

On the walk home I remembered fragmented scenes from the night. Did it really happen? Was it my fault because I drank too much? I was conscious enough to remember parts of what happened but why wasn’t I conscious enough to fight back? I felt shame and guilt immediately. I called my friend and told her what happened. She made me feel like it was my fault because I was too drunk and promiscuous. She said there was no way those men could do something like that. She stopped talking to me shortly after, even though I needed her support and friendship. I hid the assault from my parents because I didn’t want them to know I was drinking and sexually active. I only wanted them to be proud of me and never worried.

The betrayal by my best friend made me fearful that anyone I told would view me as a “slut” or alcoholic. I desperately wanted to forget everything that happened and return to normalcy, but couldn’t. Every time I saw a man on campus with a rowing team shirt or duffle bag I became physically sick. I viewed all men in a completely different light. I was broken and in emotional pain.

The only other person I told was an on–campus counselor named Shauna. The first thing she said was, “This is not your fault.” She told me that people should be able to drink as much as they want without being assaulted. I agree, however, until humans treat each other with compassion and kindness, we are never really safe.

I hope people continue to share their experiences, reassure others that it is not their fault, and bring more awareness to the signs and effects of date rape drugs. I no longer feel guilt or shame. My only fear is that we continue to live in a patriarchal society built on greed and cruelty, promoting assault and violence against others.

About

Erica Shultz is the digital production artist at RVCA in Costa Mesa, California. She spends her free time reading, making zines & comics, and playing drums. Follow her comics on Instagram or check out her website.