Leonardo DiCaprio, now 49, has never dated someone over 24—because he’s an old clown, and we all know it. At the age of 39, Jerry Seinfeld dated Shoshanna Lonstein, who was in high school.

DiCaprio is a fine actor. I like Seinfeld. But because of their sexual idiocy, I’ll always know they suck just enough to never fully respect them—men who enjoy and find matches in girls with half their life experience. They’ll just always be a little sad.