8 Steps That Explain Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

5414866453_b6270ea1ce_zThis article was first published by The Huffington Post

The question that is always asked of victims of domestic abuse is “Why don’t/didn’t you just leave?” I know sometimes even victims don’t really understand why.

I’ve heard that question over and over. While there are many different reasons we give for not leaving, there is a “scientific explanation” for why it is so difficult to leave an abusive situation. I will explain the cycle of brainwashing as studied by psychologist Robert Jay Lifton, but will be discussing it as it specifically pertains to domestic abuse.

Last year, after years of hiding my abuse from almost everybody I knew, I decided to publicly share my story. Recently, after my research on brainwashing, I went back to read the story I had written last year. I was shocked. Each experience I described was a step in the brainwashing process. What’s even more shocking is that my abuser was only 15 years old.

I am not a psychologist, I speak from years of personal experience and from spending time with women who have endured domestic abuse. When somebody’s only objective is to keep you loyal, they will go to great lengths to achieve it.

This is what the brainwashing process looks like:

Stage I: Breaking Down the Self

Step 1: Assault on Identity

When somebody is trying to control another, they begin to attack their sense of self, their identity. They start to say things that cause the victim to doubt who they are.

“You are a slut.”
“You’re worthless.”
“You are not a good mom.”
“You are ugly, nobody will want you.”

The attacks are repeated consistently for days, weeks and sometimes years. As a result, the victim becomes disoriented, confused, and begins to doubt everything they believed to be true. Eventually the victim will begin to adopt these same beliefs.

The idea of brainwashing is to destroy the old identity and replace it with a new one, one that matches with the beliefs, values and ideas of the manipulator. The effects of an attack on the identity can last long after the victim is no longer in the abusive situation.

Step 2: Establishment of Guilt

Guilt is an effective tactic in mind control and is introduced in different ways. The abuser criticizes the victim for any reason, small or large, and sometimes no reason at all.

“This is your fault.”
“You made me do this.”

The abuser will take a small flaw and embellish it to the extreme. Abusers will shift responsibility for their actions to the victim or justify their behavior by blaming the victim.

“If you wouldn’t have talked back, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.”

An abuser will make the victim feel guilty for disagreeing with them or not meeting extremely high expectations.

An abuser may blame the victim for the abuser’s transgressions by making the victim believe they deserved it, or are a result of something the victim did. After the assault on identity, the constant criticisms cause the victim to believe the punishment and mistreatment are warranted.

Guilt can easily turn into shame when it is internalized. Inducing guilt, humiliation and shame destroy confidence and self worth. A victim begins to feel culpable all the time and everything they do or say is wrong. When shame sets in, the victim no longer feels bad about things they’ve done, they begin to feel they are bad.

Step 3: Self-Betrayal

Once a victim is overwhelmed with guilt and shame, they begin to abandon their own needs and make choices that are harmful to their well-being. The victim is bullied into cutting off communication from friends and family who share the same beliefs or behaviors. This is when isolation begins: The abuser believes the victim’s friends and family are a threat to the relationship. The abuser will blame friends or family for problems in the relationship. The victim’s betrayal of their own beliefs and the betrayal of the people to whom they once felt a sense of loyalty increases the feelings of shame and guilt, which further destroys their sense of self. As a result, the more isolated a victim becomes, the more dependent they are on the abuser.

Step 4: Breaking Point

At this point, the victim no longer recognizes themselves, they don’t know who they are any longer. They may have lost their grip with reality. Gaslighting techniques are used to push the victim over the edge. Gaslighting is an attempt by one person to overwrite another’s reality.

“You’re crazy—that never happened.”
“You’re making that up, it’s all in you head.”
“You’re paranoid.”

The victim is confused and disoriented from gaslighting and from being fed a distorted version of reality. The victim questions themselves constantly and feels like “the crazy one” and/or feels depressed, anxious, traumatized and other negative emotional and physical symptoms like insomnia and paranoia.

Some may call this a “nervous breakdown.” A nervous breakdown is the point of exhaustion reached after an extended period of extreme anxiety. The overwhelming anxiety, depression and stress lead to a sense of hopelessness, helplessness and absolute exhaustion. The victim’s ability to think and reason at this stage is severely compromised and they become temporarily unable to function normally in day-to-day life.

Stage II: Possibility of Salvation

Step 5: Leniency & Opportunity

Just when a victim can literally take no more, the abuser offers leniency. This is when the abuser offers a small act of kindness amid the psychological abuse and the victim feels a deep sense of gratitude completely out of proportion to the deed.

Because the victim’s perception is so skewed, the small act shifts emotions to relief and a sense of admiration. Since these small acts of kindness are so infrequent, the kind gesture is magnified. It can be something as small as offering a glass of water, a hug or a compliment. This can lead to a sense of false hope. It puts the responsibility on the victim to do things better, to try harder, in hopes the acts of kindness will become more frequent.

These unpredictable responses are detrimental to mental well-being, confidence and self-esteem. The abuser can have an extreme reaction one day, and then the next day have the complete opposite reaction. This unpredictability can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety.

Step 6: Compulsion to Confess

The victim is so grateful for the small gesture between abuse and manipulation, they begin to agree with the criticisms. For the first time in the brainwashing process, the victim is faced with the stark contrast between the harsh criticism and abuse, and the relief of leniency.

This is when the victim looks within and tries to find those “evil” parts of themselves and attempts to remove them from every part of their being. This leads directly to their “new” identity. The victim begins to acquire the beliefs and values the abuser has ingrained. At this point, the victim is willing to say anything to recreate those moments of leniency.

Step 7: The Channeling of Guilt

The victim does not know what they have done wrong, they just know they are wrong. They begin to feel guilty for who they are and about the beliefs they’ve held. This creates a blank slate so the abuser can attach the guilt to whatever belief system the abuser is trying to replace. The victim comes to believe it is their belief system that is causing all of the problems; the more they accept the abuser’s way of thinking, the more shame they feel about who they were. Essentially, this is when the victim begins to adopt the new way of thinking and relinquishes their old way of thinking.

Step 8: Releasing of Guilt, Logical Dishonoring

By this stage, the victim has come to believe that they themselves are not bad, but the belief systems they held are wrong, and they can escape that wrongness by completely changing their belief systems. They denounce their former belief system and the people they associated with. They confess to acts associated with their former belief systems. After a full confession, they complete the process of rejecting their former identity. Now, the abuser offers up the new identity.

These tactics are very similar to those used on prisoners of war or members of a cult. In a domestic abuse situation, the brainwashing process becomes a cycle and the steps continue to be repeated. The moment an abuser begins to feel the victim is “slipping from their control,” they will re-assault their identity. This will begin the process all over again. Victims continue to believe in the ideas of their abusers long after they have left the abusive environment. The new belief system has been so deeply rooted, it could take years to change.

There is hope. Abuse thrives only in silence. If you are healing from an abusive relationship, know the most important thing to do is forgive yourself. If you find yourself in this situation, please seek support. An extremely effective way to get out of the darkness of guilt and shame is by shining a light on it. Start talking about it, don’t keep the feelings inside. Shame can only survive in darkness.

If you are in an abusive situation…
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233

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Photo courtesy of Flickr user Keirsten Marie licensed under Creative Commons 2.0

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Crystal Sanchez is the founder of Believe Bliss, a platform for domestic violence survivors to share stories, heal wounds and find their way back to themselves. Find her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Comments

  1. Kim Holleman says:

    Hi. The very first time someone calls you “a slut” who is claiming to be your “boy friend” you pick up a rock, smash his teeth out and tell him to call you a slut one more time.

  2. Thanks for your article, I have found this site to be very useful too: http://outofthefog.website/

  3. OMG! I am overwhelmed by the information here and sad to say that I recognize myself in this article. For years, I suffered abuse exactly as described at the hands of my stepmother. I feel like I am reading about my everyday life with her. People close to me keep saying “you need to get over it!” Easy for them to say!! They have no idea what it’s like to have another person work tirelessly to extinguish your spirit to the point where you have no light in your life; only darkness. Where you abandon your identity and try to become whatever you need to be to stop the constant attacks on your being. Where your dreams die and all you have are nightmares about whether you can stay strong enough to survive another day! I have tried to get beyond my past but my highly emotional reaction to what I just read tells me I am still not there many years later!

    • Rebecca Clark says:

      Sending you prayers of healing. I experienced this from an ex but I cannot imagine it from a parent. Sending prayers for your healing.

    • Christine says:

      Recognizing the abuse cycle and identifying yourself in it can be the first step in healing your heart. May you find the courage to face your truth, and continue your recovery to being the whole, beautiful woman that you are!

    • Ruth Miller says:

      I agree with you sandy I too my whole life took abuse as a child now 2 nd marriage again for 26 years first marriage 11 years I live day to day and I have nothing to look forward to i feel when the sun is shining I have a black cloud I carry with me and yet I can’t leave? I know I need help but everyone listens but can’t help me I have no where to go and have 2 dogs

      • Ruth,
        This breaks my heart to hear that you have nowhere to go – Where do you live, what city? I am in AR – I can help you and your fur babies are welcome. I am starting a ministry where women have a place to go at NO charge – a house of their own. Not a shelter, but a home just for you and your family. I am in the process of rallying volunteers to serve on CARE TEAMS – I myself am an overcomer of domestic violence and you can get through it, i promise! WE can do ALL Things through CHRIST – Phil 4:13. my # is 870.530.9713 if you are interested in a solution and a new beginning.

  4. Ysabel de la Risa says:

    This is a brilliant piece. Just brilliant.

  5. Daniel S. says:

    Thank you for the information provided in this article. It answers many questions that I had concerning a very, very dear personal friend. She has had a lifetime of abuse as your article outlines and still she has a great deal of difficulties avoiding being involved in relationships that ultimately turn into extremely abusive, both verbally and physically. It is as if she is somehow drawn back into the same relationship, even after being seemingly rescued and givin a safe environment to recover from the abuser. As a very concerned friend, I find myself facing much difficulties in trying to understand my friends behavior in being compelled to return to the the very negative situation. My friend is soon going to enter Domestic Violence counseling in an effort to find answers for herself. I can only prey that that she finds those answers for herself. As for myself, I shall continue to investigate this incredibly baffling cycle of submission to repeated abuse. I would welcome any additional information you would direct my way.
    Again, Thank you for a most insightful article.

    • I, too, have been trying to help a friend going through the exact same thing. I was in a verbally abusive relationship on and off for 10 years. After having enough, I finally left and never looked back. Each day got easier and easier. I still to this day cringe when I hear words or phrases that bring me back to the old days. It does take time but healing happens. Good luck to you and your friend

  6. Lawson Bettis says:

    I am 16 years old and I do see myself in this article. I am in a abusive relationship right now, his name is Damien and reading this article has helped me understand that I can get out of this relationship. Thank you so much for writing this, it has helped me so much.

  7. Weston McSheridan says:

    I have a close friend going through this right now. I’m doing everything i can legally do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I truly fear for her life. This is absolutely mind blowing!! I don’t understand why she keeps going back. She actually laughed about him pistol whipping her and telling her he should kill her. What can I do? Cops won’t do anything till she says she’s pressing charges. And even the she drops them in no less than 3 days. Help me!!

  8. Every situation is different, there are many reasons why an abusive person can act the way they do… I myself are NOT perfect by no means, do I love My Wife ? Of course I do, have I. Even a dick ? Yes, have I said things that never should be said to a person you supposedly love ? Yes.. When a person feels that they are no longer treated the way they should be they can get angry and say horrible things, did i for 1 minutes ever Stop loving my Wife ? Absolutely Not, but I didn’t know how to control the situation so I would scream and yell, was that the rite thing to do ? No, but at that moment it was all I knew.. I believe any kind of abuse weather Physical or mental is WRONG, but people make mistakes and can change…I only regret that I didnt realize the correct way to handle the situation till it was too late…. So all I’m saying is that abuse is wrong, and couples need to communicate better and avoid the bad situation before it becomes one..

  9. Sadly, I recognize myself in this article and I’m living it now. And I don’t know how to walk away

  10. Catherine says:

    I’m not sure as far as the next person goes , but as for me, God control’s all ! When abuse is so daunting , yes it effects a woman’s mental health. I myself have grown to the point of wanting my husband dead as hell, even tried killing him . But there’s a higher power ! Something just came over me , Honey just walk away, I’m financially unstable , but I keep saying, remember all what was done. He’s not worth receiving not one penny from . Just remember what he has done to your esteem , your life altogether . Start asking , why was a demon as such was ever allowed to walk this earth ? Importantly, who are you ? I am a woman ,a mother , a person . I deserve way better , and from now on , it’s what I want , and that’s a DIVORCE !!!!!!!

  11. Janice Jacobs says:

    I have a 32 year old daughter that is in a abusive relationship for 6 years…I’ve received so many calls from my daughter to say she’s scared, she locks herself in the bathroom or her room…her partner is been an acholic since they met and now my daughter is an acholic…her partner calls her all kinds of name and acuses her of cheating…my daughter can’t talk to me or my family or friends…her partner smashes stuff in the house…my daughter did leave to live with me for 2 months and one day she told me I’m going back cause I love this person…in the night she’ll would call me saying she’s scared and says shes leaving ..I’ll have to stay on the phone for hours until things calm down the next day everything is okay…how do i get her away from this abuse…desperate mother…

  12. Broken hearted girl says:

    I made a list of the pros and cons of my 7 year long relationship that ended recently and I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that he firstly left ?and secondly why I put up with it for so long? I’m also scared that even though I’ve made this list I’ll end up going back to him, which is crazy. I know it’s crazy yet I go back each time, why? What’s wrong with me?
    Pros
    – he made me laugh at times.
    – I had someone to come too.
    – he give me hope that I would have the little family everyone has.
    – I had someone to hold at night.
    – someone to go on date nights with
    – he loved me
    – he encouraged me to do well in life

    Cons
    – he had major trust issues
    – he had drug problems
    – he made me feel sad
    – he made me feel overworked
    – he wouldn’t ever care enough to listen to what I felt about things
    – he only thought about what he needed or wanted
    – he was controlling
    – self centred
    – made me feel bad about myself
    – called me names
    – wouldn’t let me go out and see my friends without coming home to drama
    – he made me feel extremely unhappy to the point where I felt like taking my own life.
    – I couldn’t be myself
    – he took more than he gave
    – he was immature
    – he took unnecessary risks like taking drugs abroad or bringing them back
    – I felt like I lost my self and identity
    – I had to be what he wanted
    – he took the fun out of sex
    – he was always telling me he was gonna leave
    – he made me feel insecure
    – he made me feel like nothing I did was good enough
    – he made me feel negative about my home
    – he made me feel like he would replace me if I didn’t give him what he wanted
    – he at times moaned about son being home on the weekend
    – he wanted to take drugs and have sex
    – he would emotionally abuse me if I didn’t do things how and when he wanted
    – I couldn’t express myself verbally or via my appearance in what I wanted to wear or how I wanted to paint my nails.
    – he was stubborn
    – he hated my mother
    – he put me down in an underhanded way
    – he didn’t contribute to household bills
    – he treated me like a slave and then wouldn’t understand why I was exhausted
    – he made me feel bad for being exhausted
    – he refused to stop doing drugs
    – he made me feel worthless and like I could easily be replaced
    – he moaned
    – he blamed me for his drug problems
    – he blamed me for why his life was going wrong
    – he thought I was a lier
    – he thought I didn’t want him to do well in life.

    So the question is what am I lacking that I stayed for so long and put up with it?
    What’s wrong with me?
    I’m attractive
    Successful
    Independent
    So what am I lacking? Why would I go through the hurt and pain? Be torn apart only to go running back into the arms of the man who did these things to me?
    Am I sick in the head? Like drama? What?
    Why would I want to be with a man who made me question who I am on a daily basis? Who would stay with a man like that? Or a relationship so negative that it questioned my every existence?
    Forced me to do things and put up with so much stress, lack of sleep, made me so miserable, why would I stay? What did I get out of this? I want to understand, I need to know why? I’ve been so unhappy I tried and each day he picked and picked away at me until I had no fight left in me. Am I the problem? Am I not good enough to be loved unconditionally? What’s wrong with me?
    Was I the problem? Are the things he said to be true?

    • Beginning of healing says:

      OMG! I could have written this word for word. I ended up getting an order of protection to keep him away from me. I’m going to reread your post again later.

    • …get away from him now !!! …save yourself you are so
      worth all the love and beauty life can give …get out now .. walk away and keep walking !!! ..you can’t save him …God loves you …love yourself first so the right person will love you …go now !!! now !!!

    • Maybe you should try going to a psychologist to find the answer to why you kept going back to him. There’s no shame in that, their job is to help people.

  13. Bernaette says:

    It’s good how they get you.. form of brain washing .
    They thrive on sensitive forgiving people . They very sad lonely damaged .
    Insecure narrsassist. .
    The best you can do is leave RUN . Cos they will never change .go no contact ….. get help if you can’t womens domestic violence. . If u don’t free yourself your wasting your life away time passes quick . Read Web sites books anything that will help you along .

  14. OMG! This describes our relationship with our President!

  15. Unfortunately, the walls between apartments are not sound proof. I hear the man ( Boy), bad mouthing this young woman to a point of tears. My fear is that he will someday hit her, I heard her say “don’t” push me. He is disrespectful and oh so harsh to her. my heart weeps for her, yet, I can not interfere, so sad!! The only way that I can help, I believe, is to pray to God, for a hedge of protection around her. I pray that this young man’s bitter background can be changed by prayer! Amen

  16. Thank you x 1 million. You have clearly and concisely unraveled the madness. I was so deeply ashamed for allowing myself to be sucked in by the lies and false promises time after time. Your article should be read by everyone who misunderstands abusive relationships. It’s not because you love them it’s because you’ve been systematically brainwashed. I’m going to keep coming back to this article to reinforce my resolve never to allow this to happen to me again. Thank you.

  17. Sheila johnson says:

    It is so hard not to go back You remember the good times and their good qualities time makes u forget how miserable you were Then you start feeling sorry for them I am intelligent enough to realize that they will be super nice and loveable then after a while the abuse will restart Last time I went out the abuse increased in severity till he tried to strangle me to death He’s going to anger management but I don’t think that will help him U lose one whole side of your family It’s so hard and m homesick and I want to go home

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