“Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.”
—Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns
Donald Trump—the “law and order” president—issued a sweeping pardon for the nearly 1,600 rioters who were charged in the Jan. 6, 2021, assault on the Capitol. Despite assuring the country on Jan. 12, “If you committed violence on that day, obviously you shouldn’t be pardoned,” Vice President JD Vance flip-flopped, later defending the blanket clemency issued by arguing the prosecution was politically motivated and claiming violation of due process. Of those arrested and charged with committing crimes at the Capitol, 93 percent were white, and 86 percent were men.
Other notable events of Trump’s first weeks in office include pardons for 23 antiabortion extremists convicted of clinic invasions and violence, and Pete Hegseth’s confirmation as defense secretary, despite allegations of abuse and of alcohol use interfering with his work, and generally unclear qualifications for political office beyond appearing on Fox News.
A sinister side to this administration has revealed itself, substantiating the fears of those who oppose Trump. This isn’t liberal fear-mongering; it’s happening before our eyes:
They are deliberately allying with violent men.
When The Abuser Is Your Patient
As a resident physician who treats victims of domestic violence, and as a victim myself, I am well-versed in the language of abuse. I’ve come to love these patients. The stories that shattered my heart when I began residency are no less devastating now, but I’ve become more confident in managing these cases while I grow as a psychiatrist.
There is a darker side to my job: when the abuser is my patient—often an aggrieved man whose spiteful violence is everyone’s fault but his own (in his eyes). Truthfully, I despise this part of my job, and it is a trial of my willpower to control my loathing around these patients. I’d never treat them differently, but each encounter takes a little piece of my spirit. I can hear the language of abuse, unfiltered from the source, and the victimhood narrative that these patients construct to protect themselves, predicated on profound resentment of their victims. The intensity of their hatred of women is chilling.
My patient dragged his feet as we walked into the interview room. He had a history of “domestic disputes” with different women and was taken into police custody after his most recent “dispute,” once police discovered a warrant for his arrest for previously assaulting another woman. While in custody, he began yelling that he would kill himself.
I was asked to assess his suicide risk; he now sat before me, glaring and defiant. He emphasized he did not want to kill himself and had a life to return to, but hinted ominously: “Something might happen if you keep me in those four walls [jail]—maybe I could go to the psych ward instead.”
Threatening suicide to evade accountability is not healthy behavior, but is not necessarily a reason to admit someone to the psychiatric hospital. Plus, his legal charges would still be awaiting him whenever he left. I couldn’t do anything about that, but I could at least try to understand: “Can you tell me about the charges? They sound stressful.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Well, some female I was talking to months ago called the cops for nothing. Apparently I have an arrest warrant for that, ‘cause I didn’t show up to court. And then my girlfriend last night, we had an argument. Next thing I know, her family’s calling the cops.”
Red flags went up. “I’m wondering what could have happened to make her feel the police needed to be called?”
His eyes refused to meet mine, darting downward. “I don’t remember.”
“You don’t remember?”
“I don’t know what those females’ intentions are. A lot of them have bad intentions.”
And there it is: the classic deflection, desperately seeking anyone else to blame.
I’ve yet to meet an abusive male patient who takes full responsibility for his actions. Many of these men possess (and I am not diagnosing them here) narcissistic traits—their egos are so fragile that any criticism is perceived as a threat to their very sense of self. In their minds, they can do no wrong; everyone else is a problem.
Narcissistic personality structure is extraordinarily difficult to treat—in order for psychotherapy to work, you need to admit you need help and demonstrate a willingness to grow. By definition, narcissists do not tolerate even perceived criticism well. How likely is it that they will acknowledge their flaws? If you ask them, they have none.
I tell my medical students facetiously: “The diagnosis is narcissistic personality disorder when everyone else ends up in therapy, except the person who actually needs therapy.” But there is no space for comedy when a victim lands in the trauma bay or a coffin. When narcissistic traits intersect with abusive tendencies, the combination may be lethal. Even then, abusive patients deny any wrongdoing. She was asking for it. She provoked me. I was canceled. She ruined my life. They fortify their psychological defenses for self-preservation, convincing themselves of their victimhood.
The Coddling of the American Man
With his Cabinet picks and pardons for the Jan. 6 rioters and antiabortion extremists, Trump has validated a false narrative of male victimhood—at the federal level. He shielded them from the consequences necessary to keep violent, abusive behavior in check, thus sending the message, You were wronged. You were the victim—despite their willful choices. In so doing, the Trump administration has co-opted the language of abuse, allying themselves with violence.
We cannot underestimate the power of male aggrievement—it drives the alarming sociopolitical changes we’re seeing right now. Trump successfully leveraged the power of male resentment of women in his ascent to power. “It’s a very scary time to be a young man in America,” he said about the Kavanaugh hearings and MeToo.
The narrative of male victimization by women has become mainstream. Public figures like Lee Fang, Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate and others frame women’s success, independence and freedom of choice as causes of male loneliness and resentment. They have dismissed many stories of male-perpetrated violence as “false accusations”—despite the fact that false reporting is exceedingly rare, as sexual and intimate partner violence often goes underreported. Rather than encourage character improvement and accountability among men, they coddle their hurt feelings and reinforce the narcissistic psychological defense: There is nothing wrong with you, you don’t need to be better. It’s them. They’re attacking you.
Men who adopt the victimhood narrative demonize women, blaming them for the “plight of men” and societal ills.
Women who report rape or abuse? Liars.
Women who have sex? Whores.
Women who refuse to have sex? Also whores.
Women who dare have aspirations beyond domesticity? Miserable, childless cat ladies.
Women who are feminists? Misandrists.
Falling birth rate? Selfish women.
Women who terminate pregnancies endangering their lives? Bad moms.
Male loneliness? Unfeeling, unempathetic women.
My newsfeed is filled with hopeless, despondent women, drained of energy for anger. “Are you shook like I am right now?” a co-resident asked me today in a hushed whisper. We’re both women of color who have worked for years to become physicians, and we’re afraid. “What else can we do? It’s so surreal, and it’s only going to get worse for us.”
They Are, In Fact, Hurting Themselves Too
The reality, however, is that most people don’t want to be around these men, and this knowledge allows me to have some grace for them as a physician. I imagine they must be profoundly lonely because they know, deep down, just how repellent they are to others as they regard their histories of fractured relationships.
The political right caters to this narrative of the misunderstood, unduly victimized man by publicly absolving these men of responsibility for their actions. Rather than promote for men values of integrity, fairness and protection of the vulnerable, they have operationalized masculinity as the right to act like an asshole publicly and are outraged when these behaviors are sanctioned, screaming about “woke cancel culture.” In psychiatry, we call this “poor insight and poor judgment,” and there is no betterment without good insight.
In the long run, it isn’t helping men.
In addition to women outperforming men in higher education and professionally (though the gender wage gap persists), the loneliness crisis in America disproportionately harms men. Given freedom of choice and opportunity, women thrive. We can’t necessarily say the same for men.
Consumed by their arrogant audacity and entitlement to women’s bodies, these men forget something important: They cannot legislate our love. No matter how they shame, belittle, legally restrict, assault or abuse us, they’re not endearing themselves to women, and they are not improving their own lot in life. They, not we, are suffering the emotional fallout, earning contempt in spades.
I managed that abusive patient as I would any other. But the abused woman in me rejoiced silently as he returned to police custody, crying. I hope you feel the same fear each woman you terrorized felt, I thought savagely as I drove home after midnight, blasting Chappell Roan’s “My Kink Is Karma,” seeking transient release before plunging into the chaos, violence and uncertainty that lie ahead.