A report from England …
Walking around one of Manchester’s most prominent fancy dress shops recently I was horrified at the outfits it had to offer. It’s not that the stock was scarce or anything, its just that with all the lycra nurse outfits that look as though they would only just fit a child, I felt a little as though I’d accidentally stepped into Ann Summers or a nursery–two words which should not be included in the same sentence.
I’m not sure why I was surprised by this fact, as every Halloween the streets are lined with girls wearing next to nothing, stumbling through the streets in their sky-high heels and getting called sluts by other women and slags by the very men who objectify them. I’m not saying this from some sort of moral high horse or a convent: I, too, have succumbed to the skimpy outfits year on year. I’ve sported the devil get up, wearing frilly knickers and netted knee highs. I’ve been a slutty pirate and a police officer, although on that occasion I was criticized by some friends for not dressing slutty enough!
While lads get the opportunity to be something scary, political or funny such as Freddy Kruger, Tony Blair or a Magic Bus (yep, I saw someone dressed up as a big blue bus one year), we women get to be a sexy nurse, a fallen angel or a sultry vampire.
This is exactly why I am asking you to join me in making a stand! I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of shivering at the bus stop in my underwear every year and getting honked at by strange men passing by. I want to be creative for once and show the world that I am an intelligent human being with interests and a sense of humor.
This will be my first Halloween as a blonde, and so at the start of the month I decided it would only be appropriate to invest in a yellow biker suit like the one my idol Uma Thurman wears in Kill Bill. Even purchasing this outfit turned out to be a challenge, as the majority of women’s costumes in this style have been fetishised and are made from PVC or Latex–which, despite popular opinion is nothing like what Uma Thurman wore in the actual movie. Eventually I decided to settle for the Bruce Lee version in a small size. See, you have to dress like a man in order to find an outfit which doesn’t count as slutty! Imagine my excitement when it finally arrived in the post, followed by disappointment and grief when I tried it on and was bombarded with criticism from my parents and laughs from my friends labeling me ‘Ali G’ and ‘Jimmy Savile.’
The fact that I have been told that I look like a dead pedophile DJ has resulted in the heart-wrenching decision to send it back. On the positive side, it has forced me to brainstorm some other ideas for potential outfits, none of which, I am happy to announce, involve any last minute trips to tacky, fancy dress shops. You’re welcome!
Frida Kahlo
Not exactly a reference to recent pop culture or events, but I decided this lady is worth including anyway. This one is all about the eyebrows and the jewelery. This get up is for you if you are creative, colorful and charming. It’s also ideal for those who enjoy their pre-night-out nap and have punctuality issues like me, as you don’t have to endure the eye-watering and time-consuming task of plucking your eyebrows while waiting for your nail polish to dry.
Effort Rating: 4/5
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 1/5
The Women behind the Mad Men
I think this one would work best as a team effort. Get the girls together and fight amongst yourselves over who gets to be Peggy, Betty and Joan. I suppose you could get your other halves involved to really put on a show but I think a girls night makes a much better statement and is a little less pimps and prostitutes.
Effort Rating: 4/5
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 1/5
Katniss Everdeen
I have to confess I’m no Hunger Games fanatic. I was hoping for the film to sweep me off my feet the way that Kill Bill did almost a decade ago, but I was left disappointed by the whole thing. That’s not to say that Katniss isn’t a pretty kick-ass character nevertheless and I would definitely give a hearty thumbs up to any woman I saw dressed as her on a night out.
Effort Rating: 3/5
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 2.5/5
Princess Merida
Brave has been a hit with the kids this year, offering young girls an alternative to the usual animated princesses who long to be saved by a gorgeous knight, dashing prince or hilarious ogre. With wild fiery hair, an awesome Scottish accent, a love for archery and determination to control her own future, this girl is something special. Don’t leave this costume for the kids!
Effort Rating: 4/5 (unless you’re Rebekah Brooks you’ll have to find the wig.)
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 1/5
Female Olympians
What an opportunity to celebrate the achievements of Jessica Ennis, Victoria Pendleton, Gemma Gibbons and Nicola Adams. [If you’re not British, pick a woman Olympic star from your nation!] Show your appreciation and sporting enthusiasm by getting kitted out in your sports gear this Halloween. Athletic ability and toned body optional. Try to save your giant chocolate coin [representing your gold medal] until the end of the night!
Effort Rating: 3/5
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 1/5
Pussy Riot
We’re used to seeing varying sorts of cats on Halloween, which is what I think makes this option so poetic. These women have hit the headlines this year after being banged up in prison for standing up for what they believe in. I’ll refrain from getting all political on you and instead will emphasize the ease involved in this costume. All you need is a dress, tights and a brightly colored bobble hat or tea cosy. Cut three holes in the headgear of your choice and, hey, presto, you’re ready to riot.
Effort Rating: 1/5
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 1/5
Slut Walkers
Stick two fingers up at my pleas to cover up this Halloween and show the men out there that just because you are wearing something skimpy from a high street sex shop it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to sleep with every guy that leers at you or pinches your goose-pimpled butt cheeks. You can do this by scrawling angry messages on your bare bits or by waving a sign in the air. This is also a good idea if there’s a part of you that still wants to recycle last year’s costume and save money.
Effort Rating: 1/5
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 5/5 *
*but team your outfit with feisty messages and a placard and you have the edge. Belle of the ball.
Lady Gaga
Whether you love her or loathe her there’s no denying that Lady Gaga couldn’t give two shits whether you like her outfit or not. The beauty of being Gaga this Halloween is that you don’t actually have to copy every little detail. Be brave, bold and don’t be afraid to make a statement, and she’d no doubt offer a nod of approval towards your creativity.
Effort Rating: 5/5
Likelihood of someone else turning up in the same gear: 2/5 – if you opt for an outfit replica. 0/5 if you put the effort in.
The reason I saved Gaga until last is because you could even integrate all the ideas above to make one great big homage to all of your idols. Team a classic Betty Draper dress with boxing gloves, felt-tip-pen tattoos and a crossbow. Only make sure to cut bigger holes in your balaclava if you decide on this option, because you don’t want your Frida eyebrows to go unnoticed.
Crossposted from I’m From Sale But I’m Not a Sailor
Photo of Frida Kahlo via Flickr. 1964 photo of Helen Gurley Brown, ad-copywriter-turned-Cosmopolitan-editor-in-chief, from Wikimedia Commons. Photo from Barbie Collector. Photo of Jessica Ennis via Wikimedia Commons. Photo of Pussy Riot via Wikimedia Commons. Photo of woman participating in Slut Walk via Wikimedia Commons. Photo of Lady Gaga via Wikimedia Commons.
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