As grandiose as it may sound, men are seeking purpose. And they share the same struggles as women—such as lack of paid leave and affordable care services.
This essay is part of a Women & Democracy multimedia package focused on Gen Z and student voters. The future envisioned by young leaders is bright—it’s built on reproductive rights, bodily autonomy, sustainability, freedom from violence and economic opportunity. Explore essays, a brand-new podcast, videos and more from some of your most loved (or soon to be!) influencers and writers, brought to you by Ms., DoSomething, the nonprofit that helps make volunteerism “cool,” and The Anthem Awards, the social impact arm of The Webbys.
Young men in the U.S. are in an existential crisis, and from even the most casual browsing of their online spaces, their anger and loneliness are obvious. Numerous studies have confirmed their tendency to vote more conservatively than young women and say they support Trump. We frequently hear that #MeToo has gone too far, that men are tired of being called out, and that they spend too much time online rather than engaged offline in meaningful relationships.
Speak to parents of teenage boys and you will hear dozens of stories of failure to launch.
In this moment of generational confusion, voices on the right are adept at turning frustration and confusion into anger and rage. Even more moderate influencers are monetizing online followings by calling us back to a version of manhood when men dominated women. On the left, we too often dismiss young men’s woes, saying they represent a group that has always been privileged so they should just get on with it.
My organization, Equimundo, has carried out surveys among young and adult men in the U.S. and numerous other countries over the past 10 years, assessing trends and seeking solutions for how to bring men into connected, equitable, caring versions of manhood.
A few trends are clear. First, young men are finding solace in traditional ideas about manhood based on domination and violence as a valid means to an end and having the final say in their households. In moments of confusion, traditional ways of manhood provide clarity.
The other conclusion is that men of all ethnic groups who feel economic precarity, a sense of instability in job markets and uncertain career paths, are far more likely to gravitate toward a tough guy version of manhood and blame others—particularly women—for their troubles. Simply put, men who perceive few pathways to meaningful, stable work are the ones more likely to oppose equality for all of us and to be caught in cycles of self-harm and loneliness.
One Redditor recently posted: “Hey other dudes. How are you dealing with the existential dread of not being able to afford things like our fathers and grandfathers were able to. And the uncertainty of the future because of it?”
What followed were thousands of affirmations. This generation of young men knows that our job market is one of winners and losers, and the gap between those with university education and those without is growing. They also know that jobs that once provided a sense of identity and stability are disappearing.
What will work to bring men to their better selves?
Men of all ethnic groups who feel … a sense of instability in job markets and uncertain career paths, are far more likely to gravitate toward a tough guy version of manhood and blame others—particularly women—for their troubles.
While we might be inclined to say that boys’ problems in school, lack of deeper connection and lack of friendships are based on biology, that argument rings only partially true. There are biological-based sex differences, to be sure, and they interact with the social world around us. For these male biological challenges, we need empathy and understanding. For the social constructions of masculinity, the way we raise boys and socialize men, we need a bold, new social project.
What might that be? Most of our latest arguments, books and proposals fall short. For boys’ education, Richard Reeves has called for red-shirting boys—starting school a year later so their brain development can catch up. While potentially beneficial, that proposal ignores the vast individual learning styles and says nothing about the culture of boyhood.
Others, my organization included, have proposed in-school discussions about healthy ideas of manhood and relationships. Those can work, but they too often become standalone conversations where boys share ideas about being more connected and equitable and affirm positive ideas about manhood. But then they go out into the bigger world where anger is raging, the he-man versions are exalted and all that positive conversation falls away.
Access to mental health services, formal and informal, has been touted by the surgeon general. We need those. Young and adult men are far less likely to seek help when they feel vulnerable or face real mental health problems, and the results show up in self-harm, suicide and harm to others. But that too is not enough.
As grandiose as it may sound, men are seeking purpose.
I spend a lot of time listening to young and adult men in workplaces, schools, online and beyond. Among the questions I often ask is what gives them purpose. The young men who can’t answer seem to be the most lost, spending too much time online, often sunk in despair or filling their hours with looksmaxxing (the online and influenced-fueled trend of maximizing physique and looks), porn or another pursuit that fills their time but not their soul.
For those who can cite a purpose, the list usually centers on a few things. One is friendship—breaking the often emotionally superficial ways that boys are taught to interact with, finding someone who understands and connects with them. Another is a job or vocation that brings a sense of connection, completion and accomplishment—not easy to find in a warehouse, delivery job or an untenable hourly wage at a fast-food joint. Employers who truly care about keeping young men and women have figured out they need to offer more.
But the topic that makes men’s eyes shine when they talk about purpose, is caring for someone. Caring for an elderly parent. Caring for a spouse or intimate partner. Caring about their children or those in their household. Caring about the clients or patients they serve in a care-focused profession.
If there is a positive trend among men in the U.S., it is their increased participation as fathers and caregivers. Our research, along with many others, finds that men are doing more hands-on care work than before and finding more meaning in it. They share the same struggles as women such as lack of leave, time and affordable care services.
One of the most encouraging aspects of this is the growth in spaces, organizations and platforms for men to connect about being fathers and caregivers—the majority of adult men. To listen to men in those spaces—whether middle-class stay-at-home dads or low-income dads who have struggled with substance use and found a way out by their roles as caregivers—is to see men’s purpose in action.
Case in point: Consider that moment on the Democratic National Convention stage when Gus Walz openly wept and said, “That’s my dad,” as his father Gov. Tim Walz accepted the Democratic nomination for vice president. And his dad openly beamed back at him in a moment of genuine care and love. There lies purpose.
That’s a hard solution to put in public policy but it’s worth a try. In a million daily acts of caring for others and being cared for as full-hearted humans, men find purpose.
Empowering young women *and* young men is essential to restoring U.S. democracy. If you agree, sign up for our daily or weekly emails to hear from (and join!) the multigenerational feminists building the future. Or go back to the essay collection.
