Ending an abusive relationship isn’t easy. Ending Trump’s hold on our democracy won’t be either.
As a lifelong advocate for victims of domestic abuse, people with my background, and the clients with whom I have worked, have recognized Donald Trump’s type for years. Now Marjorie Taylor Greene does too.
I do not agree with Taylor Greene about much, but as she implements her decision to leave her abusive partner, she should follow the lead of the millions of survivors who have safety done the same. They can teach us all what we need to leave an abusive relationship. And they might just teach us how to save our democracy.
Abusive partners are often initially charming and say all the right things. (“Starting the day I take the oath of office, I will rapidly drive prices down and we will make America affordable again. … We will expel the warmongering from our government …”)
The abusive partner becomes the center of their shared world, creating an “us vs. them” dynamic that brands past friends as enemies or threats. (Elon Musk was a “super genius” and a “wonderful American” until he opposed the president’s budget bill. Then he was “off the rails” and that he would look into deporting him.)
Abusers often use a tactic called gaslighting, convincing their partners that they are not seeing what is right in front of their own eyes. (“Our prices are coming down very substantially on groceries and things.”)
People stay in abusive relationships for many rational reasons. They believe their partner will keep their promises, that they will change, that their children need a father, and finally, that leaving might be more dangerous than staying. (Reuters has documented at least 39 cases of elected national and state Republican officials who have been threatened or harassed since 2021 for taking actions or expressing views seen as contradicting Trump.)
Despite all of these rational concerns, many victims of domestic violence do not just stay and hope it will get better—in fact, on average, people facing abuse try to leave seven times before finally getting free. They know that leaving an abusive relationship takes at least three things: recognition of the abuse; development of a careful plan, anticipating all potential risks and obstacles; and finally, a network of support to back you up.
Taylor Greene is absolutely right to recognize abusive, bullying behavior in the way the president has treated her. She has experienced the same kind of abusive treatment as many domestic violence victims. She believed his promises to her to “put America first.” (Instead, he has circumvented Congress to use the U.S. military to bomb Venezuelan boats in the Caribbean.) She experienced the gaslighting of being told his was the most “transparent administration in history,” while Trump simultaneously refused to release information regarding pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Then she saw the danger of daring to “leave.” (Trump called her a traitor for opposing him, which she says resulted in death threats.)
Taylor Greene is packing her bags anyway: She recognized the abuse, she has made her plans, and she hears from her constituents that they have her back.
They’re sick of being abused and gaslit too.
I am not only an advocate for victims of domestic abuse—I am also a lawyer. What I have learned from over 30 years of work in this area, is that when you want to leave an abusive, gaslighting person, you need to be prepared, you need a network of support, and you need our systems of laws to support you.
We too watch the president make statements that contradict our lived reality; we too watch as people are punished for disloyalty; and we too self-censor out of fear that retribution may be coming our way. Republican elected officials in particular have watched what has happened when people go against the president—they lose political power.
However, the recent fight over the release of the Epstein files showed that assumption may no longer be as safe as it once was. Four Republicans—vocally led by Taylor Greene—joined Democrats in pushing to demand that the president release the Epstein files. Many felt safe doing so because despite the president’s anger, they knew their constituents had their back. We have their back.
Domestic violence survivors also teach us that we need systems that hold abusers accountable. An often powerful moment in the journey of my clients, was when they told a judge what was happening, and the judge believed them, and held the harmful partner accountable. It was a rare glimpse for my client of what it looked like when a system of power, with rules and norms, took their side.
Our lower courts have been ruling against Trump on a regular basis, often issuing scathing decisions about his disregard for the law and the constitution. We should take power from those decisions—which have come from judges appointed by presidents from all ends of the political spectrum. Domestic violence survivors do not receive consistent protection from the courts, but they should. So should we.
Now that the abuse is visible to a majority of Americans, we need to make a plan, ensure we have a system of support, and demand that our rules and laws protect us. As voters, we should remind our elected representatives that they answer to us, not the president, and if they stand up him, we’ll have their back. As lawyers, we must hold systems to account when they abuse their authority or refuse to follow the law. Our judges must rule according to fair and consistent principles, not be buffeted by prevailing political winds. If the courts stand with us, then perhaps our democracy will be able to stand up to tyranny.
