Feminist Online Dating Experiment Pt. 3: OKCupid

No new dates lately, but I’ve signed up for OKCupid, as per the suggestion of commenters to my previous posts. Overall, it’s a very nice site for finding feminists, since users get to answer questions like “To you, is abortion an option in case of an unwanted accidental pregnancy? Yes or No.” Helpful in sorting out the riff-raff.

In my profile, I linked to this Frisky article–“Why Women on Dating Sites Don’t Respond to Men,” which includes tips like “Your Photos Are Weird” and “We Fell Asleep Halfway Through Paragraph 4 of Your 5-Paragraph Email Essay.” I’m just trying to help you out, dudes.

However, I’ve already gotten two messages that seemed to be a little hostile to the idea of telling men how to respond to personal ads. My favorite is from a guy who first messaged me the following:

You’re soo fucking dessert doll!

Then he messaged me a few days later, after I had linked to Frisky:

I think you just like that website killed the spirit of men! what to say,what not to say! it’s all bullshit! I understand there is immaturity! but when women say amuse or tell me something I haven’t heard!WTF ! some people say I love you and really don’t give a shit, and others truly love and bleed it! so what the fuck? yes your pics are beautiful! and I’m sure you’ve heard that but you’re still looking for the guy that truly means it! right? so don’t over look the simple guy! with simplistic meaningful expression! this concludes this announcement! lol

Oh no! I killed the spirit of men? When you message me with “You’re soo fucking dessert doll,” it sounds really sincere. I automatically assumed it came straight from the heart. The amount of messages women get on online dating sites consisting of superficial recognition of their looks is astounding. Just a tip: it usually doesn’t work.

Another message included this:

I have a bone to pick with you! … you link out to an article that is essentially the same advice you’d get from “The Game.” Yuck! How can this be? Shouldn’t we all just be ourselves in our correspondence, rather than trying to hide who we are in order to get false positive feedback? How is it helpful to massage your personality and trick somebody into dating you for a hot second, besides the physical benefit of maybe getting some action… (which puts us back in “The Game” territory… yuck).

All I’m saying is it’s nice when people put a little bit of effort into a message. Yes, I want people to be themselves. I’m just trying to encourage a little creativity. It’s not that hard to tell when someone put no effort into an attempt at conversation, and when someone actually tries. I was simply calling for less B.S. and more personal replies. And the post I linked to actually refutes the practice of “negging” promoted in “The Game.”

I also received a few messages thanking me for posting the link:

That article from frisky or something, was a good read, i give it two thumbs up.

I haven’t yet determined if the link has improved the messages I received. In my next post: OKCupid date No. 1.

Image courtesy of Alexandra Tweten.


  1. I’m enjoying reading about an “out feminist” dating online. Looking forward to the next installment.

  2. I met my boyfriend of a year and a half on okcupid. I still maintain a profile for the sake of finding girl friends. I checked off the box that says “seeing someone” and mentioned in the top and bottom of my profile that I don’t want to hear from any men. I still kept getting messages from them (“Hey, pretty lady. How YOU doing?” only imagine it without capitals or punctuation). Then I uploaded some pictures of me with my boyfriend. Haven’t heard from a man since.

  3. When I first read the first quoted portion, I thought it said, “You are so fucking dessert roll!” My mind: he just called her a dessert roll? Like a sticky bun? Or perhaps a chocolate Yule log?

  4. I’ve been enjoying your articles so much! I live in Louisiana, and it’s nearly impossible to meet a interesting feminist man. I’m now thinking about joining OKCupid. Thanks and good luck!

  5. i’m new to OKCupid having just discovered it recently via a Bitch Magazine blog post. i’m a guy who likes feminism but am somewhat more of an advocate of female supremacy. i think those messages you received and referenced above are pretty dumb. Since i’m there mainly for cyber-penpals for giving and getting some laughs, i can imagine being superficial, but good grief! The second message was pretty funny as you pointed out, since it asks you not to overlook simpletons while saying the Frisky Article you posted a link to “killed the spirit of men”. Was he asserting a simpleton’s liberation position? It seems so. The third message which started “I have a bone to pick with you” turns me right off since i’m a vegetarian on moral grounds, but i guess he was just being himself – a meathead. i’m hoping i might find some good female cyber penpals at OkCupid, but haven’t set my expectations too high. i’ll be looking forward to any updates you might post about your feminist online dating experiment.


  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Alexandra Tweten, Maggie Gordon. Maggie Gordon said: LOVE this blog series: RT @msmagazine: RT @anastasiakeeley: 3rd installment of Tweten's feminist online dating experiment http://ow.ly/1NKW5 […]

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