“Making ourselves small to accommodate someone’s rage does not end well. I had to lose everything to learn that, but that doesn’t have to be your story.”
In their groundbreaking new book, Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld, Dr. Christine M. Cocchiola and Amy Polacko expose the gender biased injustice in family courts. Through the stories of 22 real women from the U.S., U.K., Canada and Australia, the authors shine a light on how women are accused, arrested, abused and can even lose custody of their children—to their abusers.
The book was released on Oct. 1, the first day of National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. Both Cocchiola and Polacko are domestic abuse survivors who work in the field and wanted to pay it forward by writing this exposé. The authors hope Framed serves as a call to action for anyone who cares about women’s rights to become active in the movement for reform, especially on the state level.
“This book is a five-alarm warning for all women who are dating, are married or are getting divorced,” said Polacko, a divorce and post-separation abuse coach, as well as an award-winning journalist. “Most people have no idea what really happens when you get divorced—until they find themselves entering the world of family court. It is an abuser’s playground.“
“We are incredibly grateful to our 22 brave contributors for Framed. Their domestic abuse stories are not anomalies and we hope during National Domestic Violence Awareness Month all women protect themselves by reading Framed,” said Cocchiola, a clinician and world-renowned expert on coercive control. “This book demonstrates how our family court becomes an extension of the abuser, further exerting coercive control over the victim.”
The following is an excerpt from Framed.
Spiritual Abuse
Lucy, United States
In 2020, at the height of quarantine during the global COVID-19 pandemic, I told my abuser I wanted to get divorced. He reacted with pure hatred and ramped up his abuse. My abuser prevented me from leaving the house for a month, cut off my access to money, weaponized the kids against me, turned my friends against me, and conspired with leaders of the church during daily hours-long phone calls. They were working together to have me institutionalized.
The next month, he ignited a bedtime disagreement between me and my son, manufactured a scene and crafted a story so egregious that I was taken from my children and home in handcuffs. Having no money and no family nearby, I went to stay with a friend in the area for what I thought was a few days but ended up being five months. Following the arrest, my abuser crafted a narrative from mistakes and shortcomings that had surfaced during my years living under duress and used it to justify his cruelty.
He blocked all contact with my children by filing restraining orders and refused to relent unless I would agree to plead guilty to the false charges and go to inpatient psychiatric treatment. There was a complete separation of eight months, with no contact between me and my children as a result of his obstruction, aggressive legal strategies, and court closures from COVID that have lasted for years.
After I saw the kids with a court-appointed supervisor for three hours per week, my abuser began to allege abuse by me and the supervisor against my children. I endured weekly three-hour supervised visits for two and a half years.
So much time has passed that I wonder if there will be any kids at the end of this.
Lucy
After the children’s visits with me, my abuser would interrogate the kids. He made scheduling my parenting time near impossible. He obstructed everything, causing complete stagnancy. The court then appointed a guardian ad litem (GAL); however, my abuser’s delay tactics resulted in a two-year wait for the final report. The GAL findings went heavily in my favor, but for the kids, it was too late. All three were in shambles and had to be removed from mainstream public school classrooms following incidents of racism, hate speech, self-harm, property destruction, assault and the need for physical restraints.
The school bought my ex’s story and helped him keep me out of the kids’ lives by refusing to speak to me, provide info, or allow my involvement, despite the court ordering it. It was the same with the therapists. Other parents would contact me with concerns about my kids, some of whom I had never met. One mom was so alarmed after seeing my youngest son dragged off the playground, kicking and screaming, during field day by four members of the school staff following an incident that she tracked me down and offered to help. Another parent reached out to let me know that my ex was teaching and condoning hate speech that my children began using at school. A neighbor informed me that the police were called because my oldest child was screaming for help repeatedly outside of the house. The list goes on and on, but despite the effects of my abuser’s actions on the kids, I still can’t get them back.
Our bodies know, even if we convince ourselves that fear and butterflies can’t coexist. They can, and you can, long for a life with someone dangerous.
Lucy
I have had no contact with one of my sons for almost three years. The court appointed a “therapeutic coordinator” who has decision-making authority and access to records to get the kids the help they need and ensure reunification between me and my children. She has made progress. The kids are doing much better. I have my youngest son unsupervised almost 50 percent of the time. Most of the litigation is cleared.
However, time keeps passing and my abuser continues to delay, manipulate and weaponize the kids to maintain separation from me. I have spent $600,000 in legal fees, thanks to my parents generously offering me their entire retirement to fight for my kids. But so much time has passed that I wonder if there will be any kids at the end of this. They are quickly approaching manhood, and there is no end in sight for the divorce. Trial dates are booking over a year out and custody determinations teeter on the success or failure of ongoing reunification efforts. The four-year anniversary of the complete dismantlement of my children and life is right around the corner, and the court can’t contain the warpath my abuser continues to march.
I tell my story with the hope that it can demonstrate the devastation that occurs in families when the institutions that were set up to protect the vulnerable are broken. My situation exemplifies the need for change within the family court system and serves as a cautionary tale. Women are equipped with strong intuition that can either be nurtured or silenced. In the fog of youth, promise and romance, it’s easy to ignore our internal warning systems and get swept away.
But I swear upon my soul that our bodies know, even if we convince ourselves that fear and butterflies can’t coexist. They can, and you can, long for a life with someone dangerous.
Nurture your voice and find a way to get strong so they can’t dismantle the gifts you have brought into the world. Making ourselves small to accommodate someone’s rage does not end well. I had to lose everything to learn that, but that doesn’t have to be your story.
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