January gets a bad rap.
Or it gets a good one, depending on which side of the spousal split you may fall on. For years, many have nicknamed January “Divorce Month” and the first working Monday as “Divorce Day,” as if floods of filings hit courthouses across the country right after the ball drops. But that’s not the case.
March is a bigger month for the D-word. August is nothing to sneeze at either, according to a study by the University of Washington. So what’s the big deal with January?
“No matter what you’re celebrating—whether you are Christian, Muslim or celebrate Kwanzaa—many have spent the last month thinking, ‘I’m going to get through the holiday season, but now it’s the new year and I’m going to look forward to what I want in my life,’” said Kimberly A. Cook, a divorce and family attorney in Chicago.
You could say the first of the year pushes sideline spectators, who’ve watched others split, to start dipping their toes in the divorce waters. Nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, a Stanford University study by Michael Rosenfeld showed.
Therapist Kelley Hopkins-Alvarez, LPC, guides couples through the process of “discernment counseling”—where they “look at what happened and decide whether to repair it or end it with dignity.”
She admits that the first of the year brings an influx of patients looking for help. “The end of the holidays, often marked by tension or emotional fatigue, tends to push these couples into a space where they’re ready to take a closer, more structured look at their relationship and its future,” she said. “What’s interesting to me is that these aren’t necessarily couples who’ve just decided to divorce out of the blue. For many, this decision has been simmering for months or even years.”
But that doesn’t mean they’ll file immediately. They must overcome the fear that has often delayed the decision, including concerns about how their children will handle it.
What’s interesting to me is that these aren’t necessarily couples who’ve just decided to divorce out of the blue. For many, this decision has been simmering for months or even years.
Therapist Kelley Hopkins-Alvarez, LPC
“I felt like I had to keep things calm over Christmas,” Veronica, a single mom who didn’t want to use her real name, told me. “But after that, I started getting serious about divorcing my husband and finally started meeting with professionals to figure out my options. By the time I was ready to tell him and file, it was March.”
That delay is the case for the majority of divorcees. “Most people don’t wake up today and file tomorrow,” said attorney Cook. “It takes a minute to be okay with the decision.”
As a divorce coach, I field a flood of calls from those who know what they want in January, but are unsure how to get there. A few are worried that no-fault divorce could go away, as conservatives in some states have proposed—especially since that could trap domestic abuse victims. The most common concerns they voice are: “Can I really do this? Will I be able to survive financially? How much will it cost?” And, if they’re divorcing a narcissist: “How bad could the battle get?” The answer is: really bad.
I just co-authored a book called Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld all about the dastardly ways narcissistic men (or women) can weaponize our legal system. But that doesn’t mean you should stay in an unhealthy marriage. You just need to strategize—carefully—to get out.
However, Cook said that overall more couples are opting for amicable “decoupling.”
“Post-COVID, I think we’re seeing people who are a lot more educated about their options in the divorce process,” she said. “It could be because they are using resources like a divorce coach, are being open and honest with their therapist or doing individual research. As part of that, they are coming to consultations asking, ‘What are the alternatives? What is mediation? What is collaboration? What is arbitration?’”
A few are worried that no-fault divorce could go away, as conservatives in some states have proposed—especially since that could trap domestic abuse victims.
Hopkins-Alvarez seconds that. “More and more, I’m seeing couples who are committed to keeping their children’s well-being at the forefront, understanding that an adversarial divorce can be damaging long-term,” she said.
Whatever legal process unhappy spouses opt for, one thing is certain: Divorces definitely follow a cycle. August, for example, comes just before the school year—another psychological “fresh start” in people’s minds. That’s why the end of summer rivals March for the largest number of divorce filings.
Sarah said that’s what happened with her husband last year. “He filed in January as soon as the lawyer opened her door,” she told me, saying he was “fed up.” She believes the decision was for the best though and a long time coming—so she’s glad.
Veronica, the single mom, who waited until March, agreed. “My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner,” she said. “January gave me the kick in the pants I needed.”
