They were the “Insta-perfect” couple that captivated a nation.
But a new Netflix documentary American Murder: Gabby Petito includes text messages never seen before, journal entries, social media footage, family interviews and body cam video that give a foreboding picture of exactly what led to the 22-year-old’s death at the hands of Brian Laundrie.
It’s called coercive control—and this deeper dive into Petito’s story serves as a five-alarm warning to everyone, and their loved ones, about red flags to look for in relationships.
Gabby Petito’s stepdad Jim Schmidt collapsed on the ground when investigators found her body in Wyoming’s Bridger-Teton National Forest on Sept. 19, 2021, after a nearly month-long search. He had the task of identifying Gabby, remembering her in the fetal position “laying on the ground for weeks, in the wild just left there like she was a piece of trash by somebody who was supposed to love her.”
Love. That’s how it all started. Brian Laundrie seemed to be the doting boyfriend-turned-fiancé at the beginning of their whirlwind romance. But almost all abusers are. The couple set off excitedly on a roadtrip in their van—an odyssey she wanted to document through a vlog—but only one of them returned. Now, Petito’s tragic story can educate others about the insidious nuances of coercive control—a pattern of threats, humiliation, intimidation and other abuse used to punish, hurt or scare victims.
“If you call your partner horrible names, that is psychological abuse and might happen only once or all the time. Coercive control is much more multifaceted. It involves isolating … tracking and monitoring, sexual coercion and sometimes—but not always—physical abuse,” according to Dr. Lisa Fontes, who wrote Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship. She and other experts believe coercive control is the foundation of all abuse.
As a divorce coach and domestic abuse survivor, I see this dynamic play out with my clients every day.
Here are 10 clues directly from the three-part series American Murder: Gabby Petito to look for in your relationship—or one of someone you care about—before it’s too late:
1. The courtship is out of a movie.
Laundrie said it was love at first sight when he spotted Petito outside a New York deli and pulled over to talk to her after high school. Nine months later, she moved to Florida with him. “It’s kind of quick … are you sure?” her mother, Nichole Schmidt, asked.
Coercive controllers use love bombing to shower their targets with affection and convince them to take drastic steps early on. When he proposed after their one-year anniversary, he said a firefly landed on Petito’s ring finger; “that’s how we knew the universe wanted us to be together.” This emphasis on “soulmates” and “destiny” is a common tactic.
2. Look at what they do—not what they say.
Brian Laundrie also had flowery words for a woman only identified as “Brian and Gabby’s friend,” texting her when they were roommates after high school, “It’s national bluebird day (it is). The bluebird is known for its beauty and the joy it brings through it’s (sic) song … don’t sweat the small stuff bluebird, Happy birthday.” Another time, he left a note saying she could be the love of his life—but she didn’t reciprocate his feelings.
3. Don’t judge a relationship by its social media.
“The happiest people on social media usually have the darkest skeletons in their closet,” said Rose Davis, Petito’s friend she met on Bumble. And, as the documentary includes video after social media video of Petito and Laundrie seemingly giddy on their cross country adventure, it is still hard to believe. Controlling partners know how to keep a lot of their behavior under wraps, causing some family and friends to doubt their dark side—even saying he/she “is always nice to me!”
4. A few loved ones often have a “gut feeling” about the abuser.
When Rose Davis’ mom asked how it went meeting Petito’s boyfriend for the first time, Rose Davis remembered telling her: “He’s a really nice guy, but there’s something off about him.” It turned out Laundrie’s macabre side came out in some of his unsettling, eerie art. Later on, right after Petito’s death, Laundrie’s phone showed him on a hike alone snapping photos of animal skeletons.
5. Isolation is the goal.
Abuse is all about power and control, so the fewer other people and passions in the victim’s life, the more control the perpetrator wields.
Before they left on their trip, Laundrie was clearly threatened by Petito’s job and her friends there. His texts called her “fucking disgusting” and that he hated “that you ever worked at Taco Bell with all those low lifes.” Petito felt guilty, telling her friend Rose Davis she was a bad person.
“The more her and I were together and talking and having a good time … she actually felt more independent, and that’s when he was like, ‘Okay I’ve got to do something to change this. Let me isolate her. If I get her away from her job, I get her away from her friend, she only has me,”’ Davis said. “And then the next thing you know they were gone.”
5. The abuser is always the victim.
The first episode of American Murder opens with the now famous police bodycam video of Petito and Laundrie’s Aug. 21, 2021, altercation in Moab, Utah. A photo later retrieved from her phone showed a bruise under her eye. Police pulled the couple over after a man reported abuse, telling 911, the “gentleman was slapping the girl.” Yet when the officers questioned Petito and Laundrie, the focus seemed to be the scratches on his face.
“You’re the victim of a domestic assault,” one told Laundrie. Petito blamed her own OCD and anxiety for the physical incident in the van. When the police asked Laundrie if Petito “takes anything,” he said “she’s crazy” and then laughed.
Eventually though, an officer seemed to get it when he was back in their vehicle: “The reason why they don’t give us discretion on these things is because too many times women who are at risk want to go back to their abuser, and then they end up getting worse and worse treatment and then they end up getting killed.”
The couple was separated and officers set Laundrie up with a room for the night. Gabby Petito’s mother asked the obvious question when her daughter told her what happened: “Why is he in a hotel and you’re in a van by yourself?”
6. It’s common for victims to blame themselves.
Petito told officers it was her fault Laundrie hit a curb with the van saying, “I was distracting him from driving. I’m sorry.” She told them she earlier apologized to Laundrie for being “so mean” and working on her computer. Petito shared her dream of traveling cross country to start a blog. “So I’ve been really stressed,” she revealed, “and he doesn’t really believe I could do any of it.”
7. Our justice system frequently does not recognize coercive control—so don’t wait for someone else to label the situation as abuse.
Domestic abuse has traditionally been based on the “violent incident model” that equates mistreatment with assault and determines severity by the degree of injury. Coercive control doesn’t always leave marks.
At least 10 states have now passed legislation that incorporates coercive control into their domestic violence laws—but education for law enforcement, judges and family court professionals, so they can recognize it when they see it, is crucial.
8. Abusive relationships follow a pattern.
It’s called the “cycle of abuse,” and Brian Laundrie followed it to a T. One night he didn’t want her going out line dancing with Davis, so he stole Petito’s ID. She was devastated and sobbing. But then, Davis recalled, “Brian would give her a bunch of things … she would get so upset with the way he would treat her but then he’d do this amazing sweet thing and she’s like, ‘No, I’m lucky … I don’t deserve him.’” Coercive controllers use intermittent love bombing, as needed, to keep their targets on the hook.
9. People closest to abusers can defend them.
Petito was last seen on a Whole Foods surveillance video in Jackson, Wyo., on Aug. 27, 2021—and texts her mother received after that date don’t sound like her. Laundrie contacted his family to report Petito was gone and eventually returned to Florida alone.
Episode Three is called “Burn After Reading,” after a letter Brian Laundrie’s mother wrote to him while the media frenzy buzzed around their home asking questions about Petito. “You are my boy … nothing will make me stop loving you … If you’re in jail, I will bake a cake with a file in it. If you need to dispose of a body, I will show up with a shovel and garbage bags,” she penned.
As shocking as this may seem, it’s not uncommon for abusers’ families to stick by them no matter what, even excusing their behavior.
10. Victims often know they need to leave, but can’t figure out how.
After the Moab police incident, Petito told her ex-boyfriend Jackson that she had a plan and was thinking she wanted to leave Laundrie. ”I think she was trying to get away but just didn’t know how to do it,” he said. “I think she wasn’t sure of what he would do or what he could do.” Her struggle is emblematic of so many abused women.
An investigator on horseback discovered Gabby Petito’s body on Sept. 19, and the coroner ruled her death a homicide caused by blunt force trauma and manual strangulation. Laundrie disappeared in Florida but was eventually found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound with a suicide note on Oct. 20, 2021.
Did he express remorse? Nope. Laundrie claimed Petito had an accident and he was a hero of sorts: “I ended her life. I thought it was merciful.”
American Murder ends with Petito’s family and friends visiting the site where she was found, spreading her ashes and taking a photo where an orb mysteriously appeared that her mom believed was her daughter.
“Although we lost Gabby, many other people have been saved because of her,” her stepdad Jim Schmidt said, referring to the countless people who have said she helped them leave their abusers.
In a small way, we hope this story continues that mission in Gabby Petito’s memory.
If you or someone your love needs help, you can find resources at the Gabby Petito Foundation or by calling The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
