When my daughter was 4, she woke up late at night screaming from an earache. I gave her acetaminophen, but she remained inconsolable. I jumped on a group text with some parent friends.
“Don’t go to the ER for an ear infection” they said. “Alternate ibuprofen and acetaminophen.”
I had only acetaminophen on hand. “Can someone go get it for you?” a friend asked.
As a single mom, there wasn’t another adult in our house. Late-night delivery services were sparse, as stores in our area rarely stayed open past 10 p.m. And I felt bad asking my already overwhelmed friends to help. My stress grew as my daughter continued to cry.
Parenting is stressful—so stressful, in fact, that earlier this month Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an official advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents, “Parents Under Pressure.” Citing survey and academic research suggesting that almost 50 percent of parents describe their daily stress as “completely overwhelming,” Murthy advises that policies, programs and cultural norms must change to facilitate a healthy society.
However, a key demographic doesn’t factor in the advisory: single parents. Single parents represent 30 percent of households in the United States—and 4 out of 5 of these single parents are single moms, who tend to be more stressed, lonelier and feel less supported than other parents.
As a single mom and scientist who studies families, I know that critical changes can help ameliorate the unbearable stress of helplessness and isolation that many single moms feel every day.
While all parents experience stress, single parents rate their stress more strongly than those living with a co-parent. This stress can be especially acute for single moms, who solely bear the double burden of financial and emotional labor in their families. Although couples may work to delegate household tasks and responsibilities, research shows that in heterosexual relationships, the bulk of emotional labor (managing schedules, meeting developmental needs, making critical decisions), falls largely on mothers. This means that in a single mom-headed household, these responsibilities are exclusively the mother’s, especially when the other parent is not involved.
When the other parent is involved, emotional labor for single moms includes managing schedules, meeting developmental needs and communicating these activities to the other parent.
In heterosexual relationships, the bulk of emotional labor falls largely on mothers. … For single moms without financial means, there are no breaks.
It’s unsurprising, then, that the combination of financial and cognitive responsibilities leaves single moms reporting lower quality of life compared to married moms. Poor single moms fare worse in this case, with single moms more likely to be in a financial crisis than couples or single fathers. They have little time and money left over for the leisure and social activities that can alleviate stress. While a stressed-out mom in a two-parent household might have intermittent time to spend time with a neighbor or attend an exercise class, for single moms without financial means, there are no breaks. These moms have no relief from the physical and cognitive demands of going it alone.
In response to this impending crisis, the surgeon general suggests self-care should be a top priority for parents. In other words, the surgeon general suggests you can’t adequately take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. But for many, self-care is a luxury. While policy changes that allow single moms to pay for quality, reliable childcare and paid leave will undoubtedly help, single moms need more than work-related childcare if the true goal is to improve mental health. Single moms—especially poor single moms—need breaks, whether through community center drop-in programs, organized networks of other single parents or a society that views them as resilient successes rather than parenting failures.
The night of my daughter’s earache, I ultimately texted an ER nurse friend who recommended the maximum dose of acetaminophen for her weight. My daughter slept soundly until we could see our pediatrician in the morning. I recognized myself as an incredibly lucky single mom: I have friends who are medical professionals; I can leave work to take my daughter to the doctor; and we have local friends and family in the case of a true emergency.
At my most stressed, I think of single moms who do not have these resources, let alone the ability to regroup after a tough day of parenting. The surgeon general’s warning of an impending parental stress crisis is a step in the right direction. This advocacy must be turned into policies, programs and norms that lessen the burden on our most vulnerable parents.
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